Just as a sidenote…if any of this does apply to you…the following was posted on the NDVH and it’s good advice.  No matter what you do, make sure you’re keeping your safety and that of your children as priority #1.

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Safety Alert

Computer use can be monitored and is impossible to completely clear. If you are afraid your internet and/or computer usage might be monitored, please use a safer computer, call your local hotline, and/or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline.  

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And now…onto a very serious topic.

I was speaking with a friend today and the discussion of abuse came up.  Some of what we talked about has been weighing pretty heavily on my mind, so I decided to blog about it. FYI, these are just my opinions.  The statistics below are ones I found thru internet searches and while they look pretty authentic, including listing the references for their stats, I don’t work for these places, I’m not affiliated with them.  I can’t tell a person how to deal with an abusive situation. I’m not a professional counselor, therapist or anything like that.  I am a licensed nurse, but I’m speaking as a person here, just me, not the nurse.

This friend I was speaking with, we’ll call her R, told me about a friend of hers that has been in a bad relationship for a while now.  R is pretty sure the man has been beating on her friend for quite some time, but a few weeks ago, he sent her to the emergency room.  If I recall right, she had bruises, I think a black eye and she left the ER with her arm in a sling.  The saddest thing is that her child, no longer a baby, but not quite in school was a witness to the whole thing. That child will remember that for the rest of his life. It will shape his life.  The question is how?  Will he grow up to be an abuser?  Or will he grow to learn that violence isn’t the answer?

Sadly, statistics prove that he is much likely to abuse a future partner than not.

I’ve never directly been involved in an abusive relationship, although I have been a witness to several.  A couple of the women were very close to me so sadly, I do have some first hand knowledge of how destructive this can be and not just for the person on the direct receiving end of the abuse.

I’ve always been the type that if I see or hear something like this happening, I address it. It’s just who I am and how I am.  People get angry, they tell me it’s none of my business, that I shouldn’t meddle, that I shouldn’t interfere.

Sorry.  That’s incorrect.  It is my business, and it’s the business of any person capable of realizing that is wrong and you need to do what you can to stop it. Even aside from the fact that a human being is being brutalized and they need help, there are repercussions that go beyond that one person.  Many violent criminals are the offspring of violent people~intervening could keep a child from traveling down that path.  Children of abusers are more likely to abuse people, abuse drugs, all these things that currently plague society.  If we can prevent it from happening, that’s what we need to do.  There are economic issues…with millions of domestic violence victims ending up in the ER yearly, the cost of abuse to society as a whole is staggering.

So yes, it is everybody’s concern. Is it always possible?  No.  Some people don’t want help.  Some are afraid to take it and some may want the help, but they fear being alone more than they fear their abuser. They can’t see how deadly a situation they are in.  They don’t realize how often their abuser can become their killer.

 They claim they have to stay in the relationship for the sake of their children.  What they won’t acknowledge is that the children who are raised seeing abusive behavior are so much more likely to either become an abuser themselves, or involve themselves in a relationship where they are abused.

Some statistics: (all of these are direct quotes…I claim no credit)

• Nearly one-third of American women (31%) report being physically or sexually abused by a husband or boyfriend at some point in their lives. found here
• While the “common wisdom” holds that abused women are just repeating the victimization they saw their mothers suffer, comparative studies actually show that battered women are only slightly more likely than non-battered women to have come from homes where they or their mothers were abused. In contrast, abusers are six times more likely to have seen their fathers beating their mothers than non-abusers (one study showed 45% of abusers had seen their mothers abused as compared to 7.5% of non-abusers.) And almost 82% of those boys witnessing spouse abuse were also abused themselves, thus confirming a strong relationship between spouse abuse and child abuse. found here

The following all came from here(IPV meaning Intimate Partner Violence)

• From 1976 to 2002, about 11% of homicide victims were killed by an intimate partner (Fox and Zawitz 2004).
• Nearly 5.3 million incidents of IPV occur each year among U.S. women ages 18 and older, and 3.2 million occur among men. Most assaults are relatively minor and consist of pushing, grabbing, shoving, slapping, and hitting (Tjaden and Thoennes 2000a).
• IPV results in nearly 2 million injuries and 1,300 deaths nationwide every year (CDC 2003).
• One study found that 44% of women murdered by their intimate partner had visited an emergency department within 2 years of the homicide. Of these women, 93% had at least one injury visit (Crandall et al. 2004).

That last one is pretty scary.  

If there are children, just because he’s never abused them before, doesn’t mean he won’t.  FYI, the ‘he’ use is generic.  Women can and do batter men, and women can and do batter their children.

Abusers will claim later that they are sorry.  They won’t do it again.  For a while, things might even get better.  But unless he’s gotten help, he can’t get better.  Even if he does get help, there’s a good chance he will hit you again.  And again. 

If you’re in an abusive relationship…get out.  Get help.  It is out there.  Look in the yellow pages under crisis centers.  Call 911.  If you go to church, talk to the minister.  Call the police or social services. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) 

Just get help.  It won’t stop until you make it stop.  It’s not your fault, no matter what you’ve been told.  You don’t make him hit you.  But it’s up to you to make him stop by getting away from him.

If you know somebody in an abusive relationship, encourage them to get help.  Don’t let the fear of intruding keep you from trying to help.  Don’t let the words it’s none of my business keep you from making that attempt.  The words It’s none of my business will not be much comfort if you have to visit that woman in the hospital…or worse, at her grave.